Well, welcome to another season of Game of Thrones. Just to remind everybody, I haven’t read the books, so all of the info and speculation in these reviews is just from the show. All of the characters are linked to their respective pages on the GoT show wiki, so if you’re confused on who somebody is (couldn’t imagine why) just head there—and plus, since it’s the show’s wiki, there won’t be spoilers or anything there either.
Oh, and no, there isn’t a review for episode 1. Here’s one now:
“Wow the War of the Five Kings is over and everybody hates the Lannisters and Dany’s going to siege that city with the dead kids on the trail (ew). This guy Oberyn Martell showed up and he really doesn’t like the Lannisters.”
Basically, “Two Swords” was a giant sigh-here-you-go for this episode. So let’s pass over the boring stuff and get right into it: here’s your review for Season 4, Episode 2: “The Lion and the Rose.”
In short: “The Lion and the Rose” is a flawlessly executed look at the odd beauty-and-the-beast pairings that are turning out to be Westeros’s best shot at peace and prosperity. Thrones’s top-notch acting and beautiful set design is bolstered by a tremendous script by George R.R. Martin himself and the deft hand of director Alex Graves, the force behind the outstanding episodes “And Now His Watch Has Ended” (3.4) and “Kissed by Fire” (3.5). Plus, the bad guy dies—during a sequence that already stood out as the tensest thing since Clint Eastwood talked to an empty chair for 10 minutes. That’s still a funny reference, right? Rating: A+
THE DREADFORT
The Bolton Bunch
Remember Theon Greyjoy? He used to be kind of a prince of Winterfell—Ned Stark adopted him after Theon’s father, Balon Greyjoy, rebelled against the Iron Throne and lost. After Robb Stark was declared King of the North, Theon was dispatched back home to muster up support for Robb’s campaign. Instead, Theon accidentally tries to fingerblast his own sister and gets browbeaten by his father Balon into betraying the Starks and raiding the North while its troops are fighting in the War of the Five Kings. Then, Theon gets the genius idea to sack Winterfell and pretend to kill Bran and Rickon Stark, which lead to his capture and torture at the hands of the ever-charming Ramsay Snow, a bastard kind-of-lord of House Bolton.
Then his penis got cut off.
Season 3 was a pretty brutal trip for Theon, and season 4 picks up immediately where 3 left off. Ramsay and some girl (her name is Myranda, and she actually shows up in season 3 too; she’s one of the girls that bang Theon before Ramsay cuts his wiener off) chase some other girl through the woods, toying with her before feeding her to their dogs—all while poor Theon (now renamed Reek) hobbles after them.
Papa Bolton isn’t too happy about Ramsay’s treatment of Theon, though: he tells Ramsay that Theon was a bargaining chip for Moat Cailin, a city the invading Ironborn took in a pivotal strategic location for Bolton troops to move between the North and the South (and then you realize: Theon’s basically been nothing more than a bargaining chip his whole life. Ouch.). Ramsay impressively responds by demonstrating how broken Theon is by first making him confess that Bran and Rickon are still alive and then by making Theon shave his face, which Theon does without hurting him—despite Ramsay then telling him his father killed Robb Stark. (Fun little detail: Theon also refers to Ramsay as “m’lord” instead of “my lord,” which shows that Theon has even devolved into speaking the common tongue—remember when Arya Stark got called out by Tywin Lannister for doing the opposite when she was posing as his cupbearer in Harrenhall?). Proud of the level of sadism Ramsay displays—which really does seem to be House Bolton of the Flayed Man’s thing—Roose sends him to retake Moat Cailin from the Greyjoys.
Well, Balon Greyjoy was named one of the three usurpers to die by Melisandre—two of which will, by the end of the episode, have pretty definitively been murdered. And, judging from the level of wanting-to-fucking-end-you Roose Bolton showed at the Red Wedding, Balon picked the wrong partner to dance with. Theon and his house just kind of pointlessly complicate the plot at this point, so I can’t think of a reason it wouldn’t happen. They’re not strong enough to really do anything, nor do they have anything of particular value. So, a swift crushing of House Greyjoy wouldn’t really have a huge impact on anything else. Go Boltons.
BEYOND THE WALL
Team Hodor
This episode’s real triumph was that it had the first “Hodor” of season 4. Hats off.
Bran gets criticized for spending too much time warging the direwolf (yeah, that’s a masturbation joke) and gets warned by the more experienced Jojen Reed that he’ll like warging too much (and it keeps going).
They find one of those creepy-ass godswood trees and Bran gets a series of cryptic visions: his dead father (ooh), dragons flying over King’s Landing (ahh). The three-eyed raven tells him to go north. Cool, awesome.
DRAGONSTONE
Stannis the Mannis
Stannis and Melisandre burn a bunch of sacrifices alive, par the course. Melisandre educates Stannis’s deformed daughter about her religion: that there is only the Lord of Light and the Lord of Death.
Now, for anybody that’s been paying attention, I’ve had a long-standing theory that Melisandre is not, in fact, a prophet of the Lord of Light. In fact, I think she’s an emissary of darkness and really works for the Lord of Death. I think that’s the reason she can’t resurrect people like Thoros of Myr and instead can do stuff like that demon ghost-queef that killed Renly Baratheon. And now, from her own mouth, she admits that there is another entity out there besides the Lord of Light. Just an interesting twist that you may or may not need to pay attention to.
KING’S LANDING
Bronn is training Jaime to fight with his left hand. Shae has to leave the capital. Stuff’s happenin’
Ok, let’s get into it. Enough of this pussyfooting around:
Joffrey’s dead. In a big, bloody, foamy mess. The Lannisters finally get it. Alright. So, who did it.
Well, I’m immediately ruling out a couple players. There’s a couple people who wouldn’t gain anything from Joffrey dying, and in all actuality would probably be worse off with a stranger on the throne instead of a predictable little brat. Take Varys and Petyr Baelish, for example. I don’t think it really matters to them who is on the throne; I think the only people they really compete with is each other, but that’s a longer conversation for another time. Cersei, obviously, would never kill one of her beloved brood. Nor do I think Jaime had a lot of motive either. To be honest, I’m going to exonerate Margaery Tyrell too. I’ll expand on that later.
But minus those, what, 5 people? pretty much everyone at that massive wedding had a motive. I’ve even heard convincing arguments for Tywin being the culprit: Joffrey was clearly out of control, and there actually is still a Lanniser/Baratheon heir apparent with Cersei’s young son Tommen Baratheon, who’s kind of flown under the radar until this point. He would obviously still retain his position as Hand of the King, so why not? But I’m not going to go spreading theories I don’t think are true.
I think it was Olenna Tyrell.
Let’s first look at the position Olenna has slowly maneuvered the Tyrells into. Margaery is obviously set to wed the king of the land, becoming a major contender for that fiercely guarded power the Lannisters obsessively cling to. She has publically complied—albeit sometimes unwillingly—to every demand of Tywin Lannister has set forth of her, including agreeing to marry off Loras Tyrell and funding the royal wedding. All of her complaints have been behind closed doors or in the empty paths of the gardens, giving the Lannisters no real motive to publically blame her in the fallout.
This is where Margaery comes in: Margaery is an ambitious woman who has stated her desire to be the one true queen of Westeros. She has slowly been grooming Joffrey to bend to her and amassing popular support (with Olenna’s guidance) for her family’s image. And now, she has what she wants. So why would she kill Joffrey and lose her queenhood? It’s the perfect cover. All she had to do was sit there, have her cleavage look pretty, and make sure Joffrey was in the right place at the right time
And in addition to the Lannisters, Margaery and Olenna have garnered the friendship of Sansa Stark—Tywin’s Key to the North—and Brienne of Tarth, who loves Jaime Lannister, and whose father is lord of one of House Baratheon’s most powerful allies (remember, if Tommen is to become king, the Baratheons would still technically be in power). Oh and look, Oberyn Martell, the prince of Dorne, in the capital, hating Lannisters. Where’s Dorne? The South. Which is ruled by who? The Tyrells.
“I, like God, do not play with dice, and do not believe in coincidence” –V for Vendetta
No but, seriously. That can’t all be coincidence. And in the preview for the next episode, she tells an upset Margaery: “Your condition has improved markedly.” C’mon.
So, how did she do it? I’ll tell you.
The wine that him and Margaery were drinking was poisoned. Margaery never touches her wine, which is kind of telling.
So, right after the dwarf war reenactment, Joffrey sips his wine (over the dwarf’s right shoulder. Note also dwarf Joffrey is flanked by dwarf Renly and dwarf Balon Greyjoy, the other two named usurpers).
But spits that sip out from laughing so hard. Ok, 0/1. He then calls out Tyrion, challenging him to participate in the dwarf fight against dwarf Joffrey (which, under better circumstances, would actually have been pretty amusing). Tyrion takes some neckshots at Joffrey, reminding everyone he ran away at the Battle of Blackwater Bay and Tyrion himself had to lead the battle charge. Joffrey, never one to be out-douched, pours the rest of his wine on Tyrion’s head.
Much to the disappointment of these two:
And Margaery, realizing the plan had gone awry, urges Joffrey to come back to her for her father’s toast—where, that’s right, Joffrey’s gonna have to drink. Then Joffrey does the whole thing with the making Tyrion be his cupbearer and the meanness and then that weird, utterly gross cake/aviary/pie?/biscuit? thing came out, which Joffrey noted was dry and Margaery was shoveling into his face—to make him a little thirsty? (Also, as far as to when the poison was put it, it really could have been anytime: before the party by a Tyrell spy, or even right now, as everybody’s attention is focused on the pie-cutting. Plenty of time.).
Then Joffrey resumes publically abusing Tyrion, ordering him to go refill his cup. Olenna seems very interested in Tyrion as he goes to get the cup:
Then, Joffrey finally drinks it. Whammy. Bam. Dead. Boom.
And that’s all see wrote. So, who’s where? Tyrion is in deep doo-doo, as is his older brother Jaime—who ditched his post as Joffrey’s protector to bully Loras Tyrell into not marrying Cersei, a relationship which father Tywin has frowned upon and tried to break for years. Oh, and Jaime personally assigned the kingsguards to posts for the wedding in a scene in episode 1, and removed Joffrey’s long-time guard to give the position to himself. This is probably the straw that breaks Cersei’s mentally-unstable-back. Margaery’s shit out of a queenhood. Tywin probably got like, a million times more powerful. Oberyn Martell is probably like, “oh, sweet.” Sansa probably just had her first orgasm. Despite how gross Joffrey’s death was, it was, when you think big-picture, kind of a sweet deal
But who will blame who? Was it even Olenna? If it wasn’t Olenna, was reading this a massive waste of time? Episode 3, “Chainbreaker” (that’s Khaleesi), is on tonight at 9.
Edit: I misspoke when I said Dorne was ruled by House Tyrell. Dorne is a separate kingdom, but the Tyrells are the Wardens of the South so in some ways their superiors. Thanks to Paul Parducci for the correction.
Double Premiere Fanboy Gifts of the Week:
Margaery Tyrell (real life name Natalie Dormer) did a pretty hot GQ spread and a video where she says she’d bang Jaime Lannister (link’s at the top of the photo gallery on the page).
Also, this picture of Sansa being dead inside:
Jentlemen's Weekly 
