Just to remind everybody, I haven’t read the books, so all of the info and speculation in these reviews is just from the show. All of the characters are linked to their respective pages on the GoT show wiki, so if you’re confused on who somebody is (couldn’t imagine why) just head there—and plus, since it’s the show’s wiki, there won’t be spoilers or anything there either.
In short: Alex Graves follows up a pitch-perfect episode 2 with this lackluster episode 3 that centered around a really weird sibling rape scene, a missed chance at a sweet boss fight against the Champion of Mereen, and a third-grade morality tale with Arya and the Hound. An obligatory slow episode to reset the pieces after the huge twist of last week. Rating: B-
KING’S LANDING
The Remarkably Bad Life of Sansa Stark
And bam, right back to Joffrey’s dead, foamy face. Nice.
Well, the king’s dead, and Sansa Stark and Ser Dontos Hollard book it from the crime scene into a boat which brings them too…
Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish. Dunh dunh dunhhh.
Littlefinger peaced out 6 episodes ago, when Tywin dispatched him to marry into House Arryn of the Vale, Wards of the East. A little background on House Arryn:
House Arryn was a supporter of Robert Baratheon’s rebellion against the Targaryens, and Robert appointed the lord of House Arryn, Jon Arryn, as his Hand. Jon Arryn then died under mysterious circumstances, prompting Ned Stark’s investigation and eventual uncovering of the Baratheon dynasty’s incestuous Lannister streak—the same knowledge that Jon Arryn discovered right before he died. Now the Starks and Arryns were bound by marriage by House Tully at the start of Robert’s Rebellion, and Catelyn Tully became Catelyn Stark and her sister Lysa became Jon Arryn’s wife the first lady of the House.
We met Lysa and House Arryn in season 1, when Catelyn citizen’s arrested Tyrion for allegedly attempting to assassinate Bran Stark (who came under fire after walking in on Jaime and Cersei Lannister having sexy time). It was here that Tyrion first befriended Bronn, who fought for Tyrion’s defense at a trial by combat to determine his fate. Remember the crazy lady with the weird kid who was like 9 years old and still nursing? That’s Lysa Arryn, now Petyr Baelish’s wife, and her child, the heir of House Arryn.
And now Littlefinger has a prize to win over some favor in the North: the long-lost Sansa Stark, princess of Winterfell and heir apparent to the throne of the North. Thanks Dontos, have a crossbow bolt to the face. Whammy.
Breaking chains. Winning favor. That’s the theme of this whole episode, and it starts this early. The layers of ulterior motives and construed narratives overlap in a constant cycle: Petyr Baelish rescued Sansa, Petry Baelish took Sansa prisoner. He is, like most people in the Game, a servant to the realm, as long as the realm rewards the service by returning the favor.
So now he and Sansa are “sailing home,” presumably to the Vale, where their paths might eventually cross Arya Stark and the Hound’s. And Petyr Baelish just got the last boost he needs to start imposing his will.
Crazy Cersei and the Boneslayer
Little Tommen Baratheon is going to be king. Psyche, Tywin is basically going to be king. He tells Tommen, without even acknowledging Cersei’s existence, that a good king knows what he knows and listens to those who know more—like Tywin. I loved the writing in this scene: Tywin tells Tommen of failed kings who were just to the point of gullible, holy to the point of stubborn, and strong to the point of oppressive—just like the idealistic Renly Baratheon (who was, like Tywin’s example, also murdered by his brother), the eternally stubborn Balon Greyjoy, and, as Tywin points out, the straight-up terrible Joffrey. The Three Usurpers again. He then takes Tommen away to give him a very strange birds and the bees speech, and Jaime kind of, uh, rapes Cersei next to their sons dead corpse.
Yeah, he kind of rapes Cersei. Next to their son. Who’s dead.
I don’t really know how I feel about this scene—Jaime and Cersei’s relationship was always weird—incest usually is—but always had the sweet redeeming quality of them actually being in love. But this, this was just weird. And Jaime’s character has been nothing but redemption and healing, and he was really starting to become a likeable character. I kind of don’t want to see Jaime regress back to sister-raping. And I don’t really get what it does for the plot.
Little Tyrion and Big Dog Tywin
Tywin interrupts a big ol’ sex orgy that Oberyn Martell of Dorne is having to abruptly mend the bridge between their two houses. Oberyn, although still salty about Gregor Clegane’s rape and murder of his sister Elia, denies any involvement with Joffrey’s death, saying that vengeance to him would be Tywin’s head, not Joffrey’s. Tywin, unphased, negotiates a sit-down between Oberyn and the Mountain in exchange for Oberyn’s vote in Tyrion’s upcoming trial. Tywin also offers Oberyn a seat on the Small Council, and Oberyn seems pretty pleased with the exchange.
Tyrion, on the other hand, is not so pleased. Imprisoned as the prime suspect in King Joffrey’s murder, Tyrion is informed by his squire Podrick Payne that his trial will take place in two weeks at the hands of three judges: Tywin, Mace Tyrell, and Oberyn Martell—all three of whom will vote exactly as Tywin does. He commands Podrick to flee King’s Landing in a touching scene with two characters who have been together forever and rarely get time to interact with each other. See you soon, Pod the Rod.
The Tyrells
“I’m sure the next one will be easier,” says Lady Olenna (my pick for Joffrey’s killer) to Margaery. She’s talking about the Lannister children, the next of which, Tommen, Margaery will likely still marry. Olenna theorizes that the Lannister’s are secretly kind of worrying about their current state—which would explain Tywin’s sudden urge to befriend Oberyn Martell. As long as I keep getting to see Natalie Dormer in those dresses, I don’t really care who she’s married to.
AT DRAGONSTONE
Stannis Baratheon is definitely feeling himself after apparently assassinating two kings of Westeros with leech-fueled blood-magic. He again expresses his confidence to Davos, who again expresses his worry that, although maybe very real, weird supernatural magic tricks won’t win them a war. Later, Davos has a sudden epiphany when talking about Braavos.
I’ve thought Braavos was going to factor into the big picture since Tyrion became Master of Coin and discovered how in debt to the Iron Bank of Braavos the crown really was. Eventually, somebody was going to promise to pay that debt in exchange for some war support. It might be that Davos and Stannis are going to be that party.
And I don’t care, I love that Stannis has just been standing around Dragonstone gazing solemnly for like, 5 episodes. He’s just so nuts.
IN THE NORTH
The Hound and the Pup
HEY GUYS, THIS IS CALLED A LESSON IN “MORALITY.” IT’S CALLED “MORAL RELATIVISM.” IT’S SUPER #INTERESTING.
Spare me, Thrones. If Rory McCann and Maisie Williams (the Hound and Arya, respectively) didn’t act the hell out of this scene, it’d be pretty amateur. Arya’s slowly losing her innocence discovering the nature of the world blah blah.
Samwell Panty-Dropper
It’s painful watching this doofus trying to court that weird wildling girl. I don’t come to Night’s Watch scenes for Big Bang Theory.
Jon Snow Actually Being the Most Exciting Character for Once
I don’t really like Kit Harrington, and think his mediocre acting has kind of sullied Jon Snow, who by all accounts is one of the most intensely badass characters in the novels. So when I say that he was by far the most exciting character this episode, it’s not as big of a compliment as it seems.
Jesus, about time somebody actually talked about some good old-fashioned killin’. Jon Snow says they have to slaughter the revolting Night’s Watchmen beyond the Wall at Craster’s Keep, and I like the idea. About time the Night’s Watch got to straight up split some wigs. Mm, payoff.
MEREEN
And then, this whole sequence happened. Jesus. Dude.
What happened to Daenerys?
Last season, she was blowing up slave-cities and had a giant army and a cool Daario Naharis who looked like the Rock and Keanu Reeves combined into Antonio Banderas in The 13th Warrior. Now, she throws barrels over city walls and lets this new Eric Bana-looking Daario throw knives at people.
THAT GUY WAS ON A HORSE WITH A LANCE. DAARIO NAHARIS HAS A SICKLE SWORD. THAT WAS A COOL SITUATION AND PLAYED OUT SO POORLY.
I better see Dany put some literal foot in literal ass next episode, or this will officially be the weakest siege ever. And I’m giving Barristan Selmy 5 more episodes to kill something before I’m voting him off the island.
Quote of the Week: “He claims you’re no woman at all, but a man who hides his cock in his own asshole.” –Missandei
Fanboy Gift of the Week: a series of informational Imgur posts about the history of Westeros and its Houses.
Jentlemen's Weekly 